Got a little (or a lot) of unwanted junk in your trunk? Your ba-donk-a-donk? Your bootay? Your boogalie-woogalie?
You do? That totally sucks. I don’t.
Before you screech B-I-T-C-H and threaten to scratch my eyes out, let me tell you what problem I DO have. Yes, it is true. I don’t have any extra, parasitic fat cells inhabiting the tissue in my behind. That is because I have NO butt or anything that could be categorized as a bona fide buttock. Oh, hold on. To offer up a more vivid picture of my backside, think concave (or convex, depending on how you look at it). Indented. Crater-like. Non-existent.
On top of not having a bootielicious bootie, I have an ever expanding mid-section. So, instead of looking like a voluptuous pear, like most women, I look more like an apple. Um…make that a planet. Planet Zomppa. I just stand around as folks, unassumingly, orbit around me as a result of my incredibly powerful gravitational pull.
In my twenties, I could practically eat anything I wanted when I wanted. My body would ferociously metabolize any fat calories ingested with swiftness and precision. Unfortunately, something horrible happened to my metabolism when I hit 30. It disappeared. Flat out evaporated into the ether.
“Low-Fat” dessert, to me, is ghastly. So is any dessert that tastes like whole-grain oats. But given my relentless urge for something sinfully delicious and sweet, I had to do something. So I finagled the following recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies.
These cookies are crisp on the outside and chewy on the inside. They actually taste like…well, a chocolate chip cookie. To be sure, I had two good friends (shout out to Donkey Kong and Brit-Girl, you know who you are!) participate in a taste test. Result? Success. One of the women suggested adding more of the pumpkin seed and dates, so if you’re in the mood to be daring, by all means, try it! Just increase baking time to 15 minutes. Give these cookies a try…even babies like ‘em.
“Chocolate Chip” Cookies
¼ cup unsalted butter, room temperature
¼ cup vegetable or canola oil
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 large egg, room temperature
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
½ cup rolled oats
½ cup whole-wheat pastry flour
¼ cup of organic oatmeal cereal for babies
¼ cup of unbleached all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup of dates, diced (or 3-4 medium sized pitted dates, diced)
1 ounce of chopped semi-sweet chocolate
¼ cup of toasted pumpkin seeds
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.
In a medium sized bowl, mix all the dry ingredients. Remove ½ a cup of the dry ingredients and put in a separate, smaller bowl.
In an electric mixer (or a large bowl and a hand mixer), combine the sugars, butter and oil. Mix on medium speed for about 3-4 minutes or until the mixture is pale yellow/light brown. Add the egg and mix until well incorporated. Then add vanilla extract.
Turn the mixer on low and slowly add 1/3 of the dry ingredients. Mix until just incorporated. DO NOT OVERMIX (or your cookie will taste like a piece of bread). Once the flour is just incorporated, then add another 1/3 of the dry ingredients. Follow the same instructions for the last 1/3.
Remove the mixing bowl from the mixer. Add the dates, chocolate and pumpkin seeds to the ½ a cup of dry ingredients remaining. Coat the dates, chocolate and pumpkin seeds with remaining dry ingredients. Gently combine the dates, chocolate, pumpkin seeds and ½ a cup of remaining dry ingredients to the dough in mixing bowl with a spatula or wooden spoon, careful not to over mix.
On a sheet pan covered with either parchment paper or a silpat, place the dough in 1 teaspoon-sized balls, about 2 inches apart (these spread a bit). Put in the oven for about 12-13 minutes, or until the edges of the cookie are brown. Remove from oven and place the sheet on a wire rack for about 3 minutes. Remove the cookies from the sheet and place them on the wire rack until cool. Enjoy!